In one of my classes of this semester I was given a homework assignment. I was told to write about myself. Who are YOU? I walked through the rest of my day distracted by this question. Who am I? I don't know. Who am I really? I don't know! There was this mental block that I couldn't break through. I wasn't allowing myself to be vulnerable with this assignment. I kept saying well.. I'm Rachel. I'm Jewish. I'm a daughter, sister, wife. I'm a student. I'm 22 years old. I'm a writer. I'm a blogger. I'm a dancer. It stopped there. I couldn't allow myself to think past the surface. I was being stubborn.
I sat. I danced it out. I paced. I scrolled through Instagram. I took a walk on the beach by sunset. The same question kept haunting me, echoing in the back of my head. "Who are YOU?.
I disconnected with myself for a minute, I looked at myself as an outsider. I pushed through that wall just a tiny bit and wrote whatever came to mind. It was informal but it was raw thoughts of who I am on a sheet of paper.
I am a person who has a lot on her mind. I am a person scared to know who she is. I am worrying about many things. I care too much. I'm so sensitive at random times I cry thinking about how proud I am of my friends or how much they are currently hurting. I wonder how old friends are doing. Are they happy? I wonder if my late grandparents saw my wedding & if they're proud. I'm nervous I'm either doing it all wrong. I'm someone who doesn't give myself enough credit. I love having people in my home, but I get overwhelmed with the preparation. I plan 10 steps ahead and always think about the "What if's". I give good advice but rarely take my own. My heart breaks when I see homeless people, animals being abused or abandoned, couples breaking up/ getting divorced, friends and family dealing with illness. I put too much on my plate a lot because I want to be everyone's super hero. I listen to old songs and vividly remember the moments behind why it's special to me. I stare at the sunrise and sunsets in amazement at god & all of god's abilities. My mind never sleeps because i'm always thinking about those random unanswered questions and mysteries. I'm someone who gives tough love, is stubborn, not too sugar coated, & blunt. People often mistake me for being a bitch when truthfully i'm not. I act like I don't care about things when I really care with all my heart. I add a million things to my cart daily and delete them. I wonder if I chose the right career path. I cry hysterically on demand thinking about a life without my husband. I become a dear in headlights if I see people from middle school. I get uncomfortable when people bring up my Instagram account to me. I'm pretty happy that I've messed up in life because I was taught valuable lessons. I can clean up someone else's open wounds or vomit but if I have a cut or feel sick it's the end of the world. I google my symptoms and panic I have a deathly illness for days after the search. I sing really loudly when I'm in the car alone to let all the feels out. I could keep going but it seems like I have opened up an endless abyss of thoughts and feelings. Truth be told, everyday I'm still getting to know myself better. Some days I like who I am, other days I need to try really hard to smile at my reflection. I'm not a bad person, but at times my inner demons & insecurities come up in the ugliest ways. I'm not always brave enough to face them.
Who am I? I am a work in progress stitched together by all of my past experiences and memories. I am stitched together by my mistakes and lessons learned. I am stitched together by my hopes, dreams & goals. I am Rachel Safer.
but I have a question too, Who are YOU?