As I sit here on my couch, eating pizza and binge watching Riverdale I am simultaneously sitting in shock that my second trimester has ended. These past three months flew by! I can happily say that my second trimmest was better than my first. By better I mean that I didn’t suffer from all day long morning sickness. However, I did experience other unpleasant symptoms that took its place. This trimester overall may have been better, but don’t be fooled, it came with its ups and downs. Physical changes on my body, changes and fluctuations with my mental and emotional health, and overall changes that come with preparing for a baby.
Have I ever been insecure about my body? YES! It happens to be that I was finally starting to reach a confident place again before I got pregnant. I was working out more intensely and saw my body finally toning up after birth control added some extra cushion. Do not mistake me wanting to tone up MY body for being body exclusive… I truly believe all woman of all shapes and sizes are beautiful. I personally felt my best, healthiest and most confident when I got engaged/before I started birth control. Once I was finally hitting goals with my personal trainer, Abby - @abbswithabsfitness, I got pregnant! When I started working out with her I told her she will not see me pregnant before I hit my goal with her… well, that plan changed! The start of my second trimester had me feeling SO insecure. The extra hormones circulating my body were visibly adding more cushion but at the start of this trimester until I would say midway through, I hadn’t started showing. An employee in my Husband’s office approached me during this time and said “Girl, are you tryna gain weight?” “No… not really.” “Oh… well you’re looking heavier”. I knew I was pregnant, she did not. Regardless if a woman is pregnant or not I think I can say most of us wouldn’t want to hear that. That when the insecurities started really creeping up. Halfway through the trimester I popped and had a little belly and with each passing week my bump has only been getting bigger. I have felt more confident since the middle of my second trimester. I personally don’t see a ‘glow’ or feel one but I have started to appreciate just how magnificent a woman’s body is. During this trimester my doctor told me I gained pretty much the maximum I should to be considered a healthy amount & instructed me to drink more water, eat better, and get moving! That didn’t boost my confidence but I chose to not let it get me too down. I will try my best and hopefully it will all workout! Afterall, whenever I have hormones added into my system I gain weight. I feel like they’re almost chanting inside me “Gain more weight! Gain more weight!”. I can’t complain too much though, I’m very grateful that both My baby and Myself are healthy – nothing beats that!
Aside from expanding, I have experienced other physical changes and symptoms. Some I have accepted gracefully and others I will occasionally catch myself thinking about sporting a ‘stink face’. Acid reflux is my newest enemy! I have medication to help make it less intense but when I forget to take it before eating WOAH! I feel like there is a fire burning my insides from my belly button up to my ears. I also experience spontaneous leg cramping which will have me wake up screaming bloody murder some nights… sorry Mo! Most nights though I really don’t get enough sleep due to kicks to my rib cage, restless legs, back pain, acid reflux and the sensation of my arms going numb atter 7 minutes of laying on my side. I know, I sound like a dream! To help me get more comfortable I sleep in a pillow fortress… I’m not kidding. Each time I have to get up to pee in the middle of the night I pretty much climb the mount Everest of pillows. I have two normal pillows…. a 12 inch back wedge pillow to help with reflux, a C shaped pregnancy pillow AND a U shaped pregnancy pillow. Is there such thing as becoming a crazy pillow lady? If not, there should be!
Emotionally I’ve simply been overwhelmed! I’m an anxious person and change is NOT my friend. Mind you, after a change occurs and I am experiencing the beauty of that change, I love it! The unknown of the outcome beforehand and stretching past my comfort zone can have me feeling paralyzed. Toward the end of my second trimester I started to realize just how soon I was going to have my baby, god willing, in my arms. My mind exploded at the idea. What do I do with a tiny human? The hospital will actually let us leave with our baby and trust us to take care of it? Why do they believe I can? I don’t believe I can! I panicked and with that panic came a lot of tears. Besides for the dynamic change in my family going from two to three, there are smaller changes that also have a huge impact. We changed our car from my beloved Jeep Wrangler to a Family friendly Honda Pilot. As fun as my Jeep was, I know it’s not a passenger friendly car and the thought of putting my baby in the back seat of such an aggressively rocky ride made me choose to give it up. Logically it was the best decision to make, but it was still SO hard. I already had to change the ways I eat, exercise and approach self-care – nothing crazy, basic changes when you become pregnant. Now I had to give up my car and suddenly I felt like there were so many more adventure on the horizon that my Jeep needed to take us on and felt deeply sad when the decision was finalized. Then I started looking around my one bedroom apartment and realized that one day we’ll grow out of it, which is wonderful!!!, but I love my apartment so much and the thought of leaving this comfortable space we created makes my heart ache. There are many moments where I feel so excited and happy about becoming a first time mom. I’m over joyed to share the experience of parenthood with my best friend. We both love feeling our baby’s kicks and more subtle movements and seeing the pictures after our routine appointments. Somedays the whole starting parenthood idea slips our mind and other days it slams into us like an 18 wheeler truck on the freeway. Navigating my mental and emotional health during this time has been challenging but I’m so grateful for my therapist because she really keeps me accountable and in tune with my feelings which has helped immensely.
I still have not warmed up to the idea of pregnancy as a whole. I’d do it again, but it isn’t the most wonderful experience in the world. I’d do it again because well… babies… they’re pretty cute! As I get closer and closer to the big day I am 100% freaking out at the idea of labor. I’m just getting used to the baby being inside me part and thinking of how a baby can possibly make its way outside me… simply said disgusts me and has me cringing for days. I know it possible… I know babies are born every single day but you cannot convince me labor and delivery is beautiful. It sounds traumatic to me. I am VERY excited to hold my little one for the first time but every moment from when labor starts until my baby is in my arms I cannot think about for too long. I just focus on the adorable little face from my sonograms and picture holding my baby to get past my fears. Good news: I’ll have to face those fears soon and might get over them. Bad news: I’ll have to face those fears soon and might not get over them!
Stay tuned for the third and final trimester! It will be over pretty soon… and I’m sure, just like the previous two, it won’t be boring!