What a journey this has been... so far! I’m currently in my 24th week of pregnancy which places me in month 6. Before I start even describing my first trimester I have to preface whatever I say with the following:
Pregnancy comes with A LOT of unknown. Especially if you’re experiencing your first pregnancy, which I am. I don’t think that any book, insta mom-blogger page, or app could have properly prepared ME for what my experience would be like. Keep in mind, with all of this being new and unknown, the world was going through a pandemic. For me, the unknown puts my anxiety in high gear. So whatever normal anxiety I would have experience just from being pregnant was heightened because the whole world was in chaos.
Now let’s get to the good stuff... and by good I mean the most dreadful first few months of 2020. I found out I was pregnant on January 31st, 2020. It was a Thursday and as I was ending my work day I was struck my this intense feeling of nausea I’ve never experienced before. My boss told me my face looked green. I felt green too. When I feel nauseous my entire world starts falling apart. I start hyperventilating because I might throw up- which is the worst possible thing in the world- I get all hot and flushed. I feel like I have one foot in the depths of hell and one foot in a freezer. Everything feels wrong. I sat at my desk and sipped on some cold water before heading home. I lived 8 minutes from my office at the time and I drive a Jeep Wrangler. In those 8 minutes I promise the road was bumpier than any other day and I was crying out to god from the depths of my soul to forgive my sins - this was enough torture. I walked through my apartment and when I walked in I got a whiff of fried chicken fingers and immediately needed to eat them all. I don’t know about you, but when I’m normally nauseous I cannot smell, look or see anything. I knew something was off when I couldn’t resist eating chicken of all things when I was nauseous. At 11:30pm I went to the bathroom and performed the coolest Magic trick out there. I peed on a stick and at 11:35pm two pink lines appeared. I stared at those lines in shock for about 10 minutes. Then after having my own “OMG. oh my god. OHH. MYYY. GAWDDD.” moment I brought that stick out to the living room and showed my Husband. It took Mo about 10 seconds of staring at it to register that We were pregnant and when he realized he couldn’t stop cheering!
I had a grace period for about 3-4 weeks. Two of those weeks I didn’t know I was pregnant yet. The last week I only had the symptoms of my entire chest being sore like never before. After the first 3-4 weeks past by I got slammed with exhaustion that felt like I was carrying a ton of bricks on my back. Then suddenly around week 6 We added on the nausea.
I don’t know why but my body felt the need to not let it go once the afternoon hit. My body didn’t know the term “morning sickness” my body decided to sign up for a subscription of “all day every single day” nausea.
For the next 3 months you wouldn’t find me at work. You would barely see me in a grocery store. You wouldn’t see me working out anymore. Family and friends hardly saw me. I only existed hunched over our toilet, laying on the bathroom floor crying that this needs to end, sleeping on the couch most nights (bc I have a fear that I’ll have to vomit and won’t make it in time and will accidentally vomit on Mo- also I know that this probably isn’t logical thinking), and laying on the floor of our dining room. All I could stomach eating was saltines, salty pretzels, sour candy chews, lemon wedges and pizza bagels. All I drank pretty much for 3 months was 95% ginger ale and 5% water.
Emotionally I was a horror story. I cried over everything. An Uber driver asked me how my day was after work and I just started sobbing and didn’t stop the whole way home. I cried because my pizza bagels were so good. I cried because I was nausea. I cried because I was happy. I cried when I saw a cute video. If someone texted me “Hi” or “thinking about you” I. LOST. IT. I mostly cried because I couldn’t control crying and was crying about things I didn’t want to cry about. Whatever years I spend harboring my feelings or keeping things to myself - I made up for it all in 3 months.
When I was finally feeling more like myself physically I was ready to go back to work and Covid-19 broke out. We were all told to stay home. My doctor told me it’s very new and I shouldn’t go out or see people. I was ready to go out and be human again. I was excited to socialize and work!!! Man plans, god laughs.
Mentally at this point I was spiraling. The hormones flooding my system never helped me. Not on birth control and not from being pregnant. My anxiety was higher and more debilitating that ever before and I felt depression creeping up on me. The issue with that was any form of self care or stress relief I practiced before this time, I couldn’t because I was either pregnant or Covid-19 placed even more restrictions. I am so happy to be pregnant and was during this time despite all these side effects. Feeling anxious or depressed and also feeling grateful and happy was so conflicting for me. You also begin to see your body change and nothing feels worse than when you’re in the in between stages or showing. It’s like growing your hair out from a Pixie or Bob haircut. There are a few inches between hair lengths and styles that just put you in a bad place.
The first trimester was my own personal hell. I was SO happy but it felt so distant from me. I felt like it was buried under all the gross & distasteful symptoms, body changes, and mood swings. I have to say that at 24 weeks I am in a whole different place and feeling more myself. As much as I can feel myself, never did this growing a human thing before. It’s been exciting and scary getting to know my body and myself as a pregnant woman. I think all the changes and the way the body works to create a child are fascinating as well as gross. It’s truly a miracle and has me awe-struck but I simultaneously feel we can do without a lot of the side effects and strange changes. That’s just me though, some woman LOVE pregnancy. ALL. OF. PREGNANCY. I am simply not that kinda Gal. I just keep my focus on the cute sonogram pictures and imagining holding our baby for the first time. That seems to help make this all a little more tolerable!